You look back on all the years of marriage that you have spent together and you think about all the events that you both have been through from the birth of your children to financial and personal difficulties, and as you reel in pain with the thoughts of the affair that has just happened, you wonder if this is it, and the death knell for your marriage has been sounded.
This is a very common question that many people who have been emotionally injured by an affair ask themselves. Coping with the aftermath of an affair is emotionally one of the most difficult things that you can go through. It’s time now to decide if this really is the end of your marriage.
The truth of the matter is that only you and your spouse can decide if you have come to the end of the road of your relationship but the following tips can certainly help you to decide if this really is the end of your marriage together.
In our society the infidelity of an affair is not easily forgiven by the cheated spouse and there is somewhat of an expectation on the spouse to react angrily to the news. There is of course the expectation too, to get a divorce and this is certainly very understandable but I would recommend that a couple first of all work on healing their marriage if they both want to, as they will then have a better idea what they will be passing up if a divorce goes through.
The healing of the marriage that I am talking about here is not a journey back to way things were but is rather about building a new and better relationship together. The decision to do so however will all depend on you searching within your own heart as to whether this is the right move for you.
It’s a good idea at this stage to talk to someone who is impartial about the course of action you should take. If you talk to friends who say that you should just get out of the relationship, the chances are that they are just trying to protect you from further pain.
There are other people at the same time that will advise you to stay in the relationship. They again will want you to be happy and will know how much the relationship means to you.
No matter who you go to for advice the important thing to remember is to do what you think is right in spite of what other people may think. It’s also important to be careful about who you talk to about the affair. Some family members may remain angry at your partner long after you have forgiven them and others may silently be judging you for leaving the partner after they told you to stay with them.
All roads of this discussion are essentially pointing back to the fact that it will be up to you in the end as to whether you stay with your partner or not.
So how to you come to the decision as whether you should stay or go?
The following questions need to be asked when trying to make up your mind about this.
You must know whether or not the affair is truly over and has your partner truly looked for a way to ask for forgiveness? You also need to know if your partner is truly engaged in the idea of repairing the damage done to the relationship such as visiting a counsellor or reading material like this. Ask yourself if your spouse in now being completely honest with you and is the spouse ready to leave the marriage themselves, and if they are willing to discuss problems in the marriage and the affair itself.
It’s also important to look at whether or not you can actually improve your marriage and if it’s worth the effort. A useful question to ask yourself is if you would like to fall back in love with each other again.
These are but some of the questions that you will need to ask yourself when you are thinking about making the marriage work or not.
The bottom line again though is that it is up to you and you alone and remember that there is no rule or regulation that says you have to finish the relationship because an affair has taken place.
The fact of the matter is that your relationship can even become stronger as I have seen many times after an affair.
In the meantime I’d love to know how your marriage is going. Have you talked to anyone about the affair and what was the outcome of that? What would you like to see change in your spouse and in your relationship?